Gríma Wormtongue; The Owner’s Guide and Maintenance Manual by Sliven
Disclaimer: All characters belong to Tolkien.
The Original and Hilarious Owner’s Guide and Maintenance Manual-series belongs to Theresa Green, who kindly allowed me to write one as well. Great thanks to her for that.
Gríma Wormtongue; The Owner’s Guide and Maintance Manual
You are now the proud owner of a GRÍMA WORMTONGUE! In ability to enjoy your Councillor of Edoras properly, please follow the guidelines as listed below.
Name: Gríma, son of Gálmód (also responds to Wormtongue/Worm)
Type: Human (male)
Manufacturers: Meduseld Inc, Rohan
Height: 178 cm.
Weight: Not an issue*
Colour: Blue-eyed, Black-haired, generally pale.
Your new GRÍMA WORMTONGUE arrives packaged in a heavy black cloak with a fur-collar. Under this, you’ll find your unit wrapped up in a somewhat gothic outfit, complete with fishnet-pantyhose.
All items of equipment are completely removable.
The original box contains the following kit:
1 heavy silver necklace
1 nasty-looking and quite deadly dagger
1 lace-hankie that possibly once was white
Your GRÍMA WORMTONGUE might arrive with several other items.
It’s highly recommended that you search your unit thoroughly and that you confiscate any accessories that aren’t listed above.
Examples of things you should search for are a poison-vial and a suspicious ring**, which would be attached to the unit’s left hand. The presence of such items are a sign that your GRÍMA WORMTONGUE is part of the updated edition, though this should not necessarily be considered a benefit. Non-updated versions of the GRÍMA WORMTONGUE unit don’t normally carry this equipment.
If you already are an owner of a SARUMAN or/and a THEODEN; please note that ignoring this warning might lead to unwanted enslavement of your THEODEN unit with the assistance of GRÍMA WORMTONGUE.
You will find that your GRÍMA WORMTONGUE is useful in many different areas, especially since this unit is designed for high-level diplomacy. The unit’s capacity includes;
GRÍMA WORMTONGUE is bold and cunning and will serve you well as a councillor. Problems with your income tax return? Forget those! Simply connect GRÍMA WORMTONGUE to your paperwork and you will find it all solved within minutes!
This unit is also fit for running your household or/and to be in charge of your employees.
Your GRÍMA WORMTONGUE has been carefully programmed to identify and remove any disturbing elements around your home and, if needed, to banish those. This ability might be useful whenever unwanted visitors tries to enter your residence. Never again will you have to suffer from unwanted night-guests; simply leave this matter to GRÍMA WORMTONGUE and go to bed.
Serving as a henchman:
Ever got tired of the phrase “I’ll have my people call your people”? Now, you’ll be happy to find that the phrase “I’ll have my GRÍMA WORMTONGUE call your people” works out just as well, or even better!
GRÍMA WORMTONGUE is fully capable of mixing potions. Your GRÍMA WORMTONGUE has also got the ability to brew rather delicious mead.
Please note caution below before asking this unit to prepare any meal or drinks for you.
General oral services:
Your GRÍMA WORMTONGUE contains a high-level intellect and is able to be of social assistance by bickering with you or/and your friends. The unit is well prepared for maintaining debates about philosophy, politics or historical matters.
Specific oral services:
GRÍMA WORMTONGUE is also designed for various silent tasks.
Note to persons involved in long-term relationships; ignoring the effects of a complete exploration of GRÍMA WORMTONGUE’s capacity might cause damage to your relationship and/or your GRÍMA WORMTONGUE. Make sure your significant other is busy out in the garden, preferably manoeuvring noisy garden tools.
Although it’s not a habit that should be encouraged in any way, this unit has got a natural tendency of melting into the background, which might be useful for overhearing conversations about more or less secret matters. It is possible, but of course morally wrong, to attach a small camera or microphone to your GRÍMA WORMTONGUE and spy on your neighbours***.
Your GRÍMA WORMTONGUE should not under any circumstances be set in Betrayal-mood. Any attempt of allowing your GRÍMA WORMTONGUE to perform tasks for you while set in this mood will most certainly end in disaster.
We recommend you to keep GRÍMA WORMTONGUE clean, to avoid complaints from your friends when taking him out. These hygienic matters are very simple to perform, especially since this unit has got non or little facial hair.
- Bathe the whole GRÍMA WORMTONGUE. Use large quantities of soap. Even though the unit claims to be able to perform this task by itself, you might want to supervise the process to make sure that it’s all done properly.
- Clean nails, file if necessary.
- Comb hair.
GRÍMA WORMTONGUE might react negatively to attempts of changing clothes. The simplest solution to this is to wrap the unit up in a big towel (preferably black) and leave it to dry while the clothes get cleaned. Once properly dressed, GRÍMA WORMTONGUE will forget every reason of malcontent.
Do not tumble dry, this might cause mood-switch.
Your GRÍMA WORMTONGUE is very sensitive and could easily be led astray by means of tempting promises. Remember that a mismanaged GRÍMA WORMTONGUE can switch into Betrayal-mood all by itself. To avoid this, please:
Do not expose this unit for any of the following;
The colour white
Blond Nordic-looking women
The colour white
The colour white
The colour white
Do not ever bring your GRÍMA WORMTONGUE when you go bowling. Test results tell us that this unit responds negatively to blunt black objects.
Do not try to separate GRÍMA WORMTONGUE and the hankie. General malcontent and spontaneous mood-switch may result.
Q: I put my GRÍMA WORMTONGUE in Betrayal-mood just for fun. I have never found him more reliable, so is this really a problem?
A: We specifically told you not to do this. But as long as you don’t consider enslavement a problem; No, it’s nothing to be concerned about.
Q: My GRÍMA WORMTONGUE’s eyes seem to be in different shades of blue. Is this normal?
A: Yes, GRÍMA WORMTONGUE is supposed to look this way. If you find this disturbing, you’ll find that your unit interacts surprisingly well with contact-lenses.
Q: My friend has got a SARUMAN unit. Is it OK for my GRÍMA WORMTONGUE to spend time with this?
A: It is not advisable that you under any circumstances allow your GRÍMA WORMTONGUE to socialize with and/or accept gifts from a SARUMAN unit, as this may cause mood-switch.
I accidently put my GRÍMA WORMTONGUE in Betrayal-mood. As a result, I’m not able to make my own decisions anymore. Is there anything I can do?
Try to borrow a GANDALF unit. GANDALF will threaten your GRÍMA WORMTONGUE until a mood-switch takes place. However, this method is not 100% reliable. Should it fail, try exposing GRÍMA WORMTONGUE to a THEODEN unit. THEODEN will now throw GRÍMA WORMTONGUE down the stairs, which is considered quite amusing.
Seriously, I want to keep my GRÍMA WORMTONGUE, is there really nothing else I can do?
Well, as a last attempt you could try to present GRÍMA WORMTONGUE to a FRODO unit. This will only work if GRÍMA WORMTONGUE has been extremely abused. The FRODO unit will now show pity and mercy, which may cause a spontaneous mood-switch.
(Warning: Make sure to keep your SARUMAN unit indoors.)
My GRÍMA WORMTONGUE keeps following people around, frequently saying random things about springtime.
Your unit has been temporarily set on Stalker-mood. Switch this off by using the commando Ctrl-Y-W-A-P****. After some confusion, GRÍMA WORMTONGUE will return to normal.
My neighbour has got an EOWYN unit, and now complains that my GRÍMA WORMTONGUE resists leaving EOWYN alone.
Same as above.
GRÍMA WORMTONGUE sometimes starts crying for no obvious reason.
Do not allow your GRÍMA WORMTONGUE to watch any more of those war-documentaries, since this unit tends to get upset over huge armies.
My GRÍMA WORMTONGUE is not at all what I expected. The unit seems to be too young, too sweet and slightly suicidal. Also, my GRÍMA WORMTONGUE is stammering. What should I do?
You have accidentally been issued with a BILLY BIBBIT unit. We have no idea how this might have happened, since these units has got absolutely nothing at all in common. On the other hand, you have been issued with a BILLY BIBBIT! Not many people can brag about that! Just keep your BILLY BIBBIT away from sharp objects, such as broken glass, and you’ll have no trouble at all.
What the heck is a BILLY BIBBIT? I don’t want one; I paid for a GRÍMA WORMTONGUE!
Return BILLY BIBBIT to Meduseld Inc. alongside with your receipt and we’ll send you a GRÍMA WORMTONGUE right away.
Please remember that GRÍMA WORMTONGUE units normally aren’t reliable at all. Meduseld Inc. takes no responsibility whatsoever if warnings are ignored and/or if you frequently try to put your unit in Betrayal-mood, since GRÍMA WORMTONGUE in this case most likely will turn against you.
*If you wish to let a THEODEN unit throw your GRÍMA WORMTONGUE down the stairs, you won’t find this very complicated.
**Not THE ring. Just a rather suspicious one.
***Such equipment is sold separately and is delivered alongside a card, which announces that you are, indeed, a Very Bad Person.
****“Your Words Are Poison”
A/N: Now, if you’re like me (a Gríma fanatic, that is), you’ll think of Saruman’s quote in FotR (book); “For I am Saruman the wise, Saruman the ring-maker, Saruman of many colours!” (My apologies if the translation isn’t correct.)
Ring-maker? A theory about this quote is that perhaps Saruman gave Gríma a ring and thus enslaved him. I’ve found no reference to confirm this theory, but I thought I saw Gríma wear a ring in the movie.
(Turns out I was wrong, but I found it rather interesting. So I included it.)
Billy Bibbit, for those who didn’t know, is actor Brad Dourif’s character from “One flew over the Cuckoo’s nest”, the connection here naturally being Brad Dourif.
Feedback is highly appreciated!
Isn't that adorable? Here's the link to where I found it: http://www.lotrfanfiction.com/views
Why don't all men come with instructions? Oh well. When I read this, I got an attack of the plot bunnies. I do disagree with the part about not taking Grima bowling as I take my Grima Wormtongue bowling all the time and he's a natural. I did have to explain to him that he wasn't supposed to throw the bowling ball at people, just at the pins :)
Have they ever explained about the hankie in the movie? Because my theory is he pilfered one of Eowyn's hankies (after all, it doesn't look like a male's hankie, it's all lacy and stuff) because Grima was described as having rather sticky fingers in the book. I call it his "security hankie", just like how insecure children have security blankies they carry around with them. After he was banished from Rohan in the movie, he doesn't let go of the thing, he's holding it in every scene afterwards, even in "voice of Saruman". I just wondered if the directors/cast ever explained about the hankie in interviews or commentaries anywhere.